Did you accept who you are?

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 I remember an instance while I was out in another city with my friends for my internship and we just skipped that day and decided to go for a girls' day out, do some shopping, explore the malls around and end our day with an evening movie. We planned the day, made an excuse, somehow sneaked out of the workplace and went to a mall giggling and hustling. I was super-hungry, it was a rainy day, we didn't have vehicles on our own to commute but somehow we landed in the mall. We went to the food court, and I was in the mood to eat anything and everything but one of my friend didn't agree on eating there for some reason. We all were tired, I insisted on eating there but then as I was the only one in favour of it, we eventually decided to go out and eat somewhere else. The moment we were about to leave, it started raining heavily and we couldn't leave. We waited for 30 minutes but it didn't seem like the rain would stop,

I was starving to a level where I would lose my conscious mind which was a very frequent event those days. After waiting and getting irritated to the utmost level, one of my friend insisted on going back to the food court and eating something. I was already furious and out of my mind because of starving for too long and I was hating how it was raining out there and we could do nothing but just sit in the basement and wait. The moment she suggested that we go back upstairs, I just shouted on her saying that I wouldn't be going back from where I've already come and especially after when I requested to eat and get done with the lunch as we 3 were starving. My tempo usually goes super-high when I am angry and this is something that I always fail to notice, she felt bad and embarrassed the way I shouted on her and still insisted that we go and eat something. I shouted again on her saying that she is no one to order me on what to do (And something on that line). I made her angry and frightened the other one to an extent that she almost forgot that she was hungry. We had the movie lined up so the other one insisted to book a cab, so we eat and be on time for the movie. Me being the egoistic one said that I'm no longer interested in the movie and I wouldn't come with them. The rain eventually stopped and I asked those 2 to leave me alone as I was really out of mind and already had almost quarrelled with one that she already confirmed me being her enemy in her mind. To avoid the chaos, they both went and left me alone and I walked home, almost for 8-10 KMs that day, just because I was furious, lost my way, somehow after roaming in an unknown city for 45 minutes or so, I found the way, reached home, prepared food not only for myself but for the other 2 as well, switched on a movie and slept without talking to anyone that night (My legs were in the state of getting detached from my body). This is 4 years back!

The reason why I told this story? My friends still make fun of me and laugh bad when we recall what happened back then and they tell me how angry and pissed they were with my behaviour. And every time, I say that I cannot be more sorry for the nuisance I made that day. 

I wouldn't say me being reactive at that moment was wrong, but of course, the way I channelised my anger into ego and then into shouting and taking stupid decisions of walking home alone surely was! When I used to think about these kinds of instances where I was angry at others because of any reason, I tried making myself believe that every time it was for a reason, and not that I was just an arrogant person who replied back rudely to everyone. There were situations that triggered me being reactive, But today I understand, I channelled my energy and reaction in the wrong direction and there were better ways of how I could have handled it. Looking back at the past, I feel bad about myself on what kind of a stupid person I was and that I have could have lost so many people because of this. 

We all come with flaws, we all have some issues, we all react and we all regret. I used to wonder what matters and why do these things happen and how to overcome and be better. Do I have to change myself if I am willing to improve on the mistakes that I did? If yes, then how? I realized that we do not need to focus on change in order to be better, we simply need to accept our flaws and mistakes and improvement will follow. I knew I behaved wrong but then my subconscious mind always told me that its the situations that made me behave that way or that I was hungry and that's the reason it happened and I myself justified the event. But today I realize the reason why I could write this article and say that I am a better version of myself is that I accepted that my reaction was very wrong and I put my energy in a wrong place. I realized I might lose my people, I try to understand what better way I could have handled that situation and I have actually learnt to be more patient and less furious. I am working on it daily, I am improving daily and that is because I accepted I am falling less somewhere. Had it been that I would have continued blaming the situations and not me, I would have never improved. 

Life is short and there's so much to do and look forward to. It is much easier to accept and avoid what went wrong the next time rather than just trying to justify your behaviour and tricking your mind in thinking that you are no wrong, and you know everything and that your negative behaviour was a result of the situation and not who you are. You always have a scope to improve, be better and preserve the people in your life. Just accept who you are along with your flaws and mistakes, be kind and give yourself a chance to be at the other end of the flaws❤ How amazing it would be if we start saying sorry for where we went wrong and thank you for where we are grateful! 

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